Artwork by Annalisa Barelli
It happened once this week, and I’m not sure why. Oh, I can identify a few minor factors that may have unsettled my disposition, but nothing definitive. I didn’t go to sleep thinking of this or that specific thing. I was playing golf in the morning, but that is not a stressor to me. I’ve played good and I’ve played lousy, and the only person that truly affects is me, and I can handle it. I’m retired. I can take a nap after golf.
But why can’t I sleep? It used to happen when I had major issues at school—an angry parent, some administrative reprimand (I had a few of those), a screw-up on my part, even an impending evaluation. Not a factor in my life right now. I have noticed that the number one thing that can kick me out of the sleep cycle is being out of sorts with Karen. I don’t mean a fight. More often than that, it is things that have been left unsaid. But we are not on the same page, and we both know it, and I can’t sleep. (Karen has a different approach—discord is a good reason to go to bed early—the girl has wonderful defense mechanisms.) So I get up and head to my alternate bed.
What do I do when I can’t sleep? Read, of course. That has always been my number one go-to cure—and it is frequently effective. My friend Carie once selected the book Midnight’s Children by Salman Rushdie for our book club. I thanked her for picking the most soporific novel in history. (I still keep it around, but even insomnia can’t drive me to it). But reading is not a cure-all. A while back I read Breakfast of Champions until the words all ran together on the page and I had zero recollection of what I read on the previous page—so I put the book down and switched out the light. Only there is another switch in my brain…when it is OFF, I will doze off. But when it is ON, there is no way I am going to fall asleep—exercise doesn’t matter, will power means nothing, counting sheep—hah!, replaying the day’s round of golf in my head–meditation—relaxation—breathing—praying—hymns—verses; nothing works. I have absolutely no control over the ON switch.
Aside: the song stuck in my head. This only peripherally relates to insomnia. I will frequently have a song stuck in my head as I lay in bed. Not a whole song, but a fragment; a few lines or a chorus. It spins around and around. This is maddening, even if I like the song. If I nod off, it will pop right back up when I wake up. Apparently, the MUSIC switch is hidden somewhere near the ON switch in my brain—no control over either. (Is this just me, or is this humanity?)
Of course, there is a spiritual side to this. As I lie there awake, I know He is with me (“I am with you always…” Matthew 28:20). I am invited to abide in Him (“…abide in me and I in you…” John 15:4)—and so I try. Trying is not abiding. Then come the prayers and the hymns. I usually roll over to the other side between them. I’m learning that the Lord’s answer to this is the same as to my prayers about being out of sorts with Karen. I should figure out what’s going on and deal with it. Prayerfully.
An afterthought (this column is supposed to be helpful): Breathing helps me the most. Breathing in His peace and breathing out my neuroses. I sometimes count and see if I can make it to 100. Often, I don’t (that’s a win!) And when I do, that’s insomnia. The best thing I can say to anyone who has to get up and perform the next day is: don’t stop praying when you get out of bed. Pray the whole day through. You will make it.
I’m thrilled that you read it (and even more thrilled that it didn’t put you to sleep ;)
I know exactly how this feels. It sounds frustrating to read, but while it’s happening there is this nearly existential dread, like a feedback loop of anxiety. The worst is when you read, and you can hear inner narrative starting to stumbling over itself in it’s exhaustion, and you reach up to turn off the light, and boom, you’re wide awake again. Thank you for sharing this.