(Photo by Karen)
Then I look back at myself. Sigh. I’ve been a Christian for 44 years. So many of my weaknesses still seem so present. A lack of self-discipline—a gift for self-absorption—an inclination to keep relationships superficial—a stinginess of spirit—the list goes depressingly on. It is hard to ignore the lack of progress. Such reflections lead to lingering doubt.
The evidence of my family history has not done much to dispel the doubt. Both of my parents passed away as unbelievers. My mother, definitively (she claimed to be a Muslim, but I never saw a shred of evidence), my father a bit more equivocally. His last words on the subject (after reading Mere Christianity, which I had given him): “I’ll become a Christian—all you have to do is convince your mother.” I have one brother and four sisters—all have prospered in life—all are happily retired, relatively healthy, actively engaged in their worlds—none of them are believers. If my life is supposed to be a testament, it certainly hasn’t had much of an effect. We are all getting old; the next world is on the who-can-say-how-distant future. I love my brother and sisters.
My friend (and former student) Taylor Johnson has written a wonderful book called In the Altogether (available at Amazon). It has reminded me of things I definitely believe are true, like…it is as important to acknowledge our weaknesses after we become Christians as it was before…being vulnerable is just admitting who we really are…no man is an island (which I first learned from Simon and Garfunkel’s “I am a rock.”) But the most important thing is that we can approach God exactly as we are—He welcomes it.
So where are we now? Me try harder or You do more? I recognize my own liberal proclivity: I’ve always been drawn more to the God is love than the God is holy side of it. Both are utter truth. Sometimes I wonder if I need to quit doing things or start doing things? Is this a process?
The same as always, I leave it in Your hands—just like I leave my mom and dad and brother and sisters in Your hands. Should I stop believing? Absurd! It would be like going out naked in a snowstorm. If I don’t have You, I don’t have anything. Paul said: “…if Christ has not risen, we are the most of all men to be pitied…” I stand by that.
The key is perspective…my problem started with the first sentence of the second paragraph. The evidence of my life verifies Your presence. I was wandering aimlessly and You touched me and changed my direction…You taught me to love and be loved. My life became meaningful, and also a wonderful adventure. How can I not believe? Lead on, Lord Jesus.
Yes
John 6:66–69
I too believe and know and follow