Water Lilies at the Getty Villa in Los Angeles
…is a joy to engage. There is a comfort to be found in the sympathetic ear and the attentive mind that transcends friendship or fellowship or even therapy. Good listeners are a hot commodity in the commerce of interpersonal relations. And they’re not that easy to find. Become a good listener and you are guaranteed a lifetime full of love, laughter and communion. Because people want to talk.
I, unfortunately, am not a good listener. I am sure that many of my students and tennis players would say that I am downright bad at it. My best plea is that it is not a sin of commission—I don’t intend not to listen. My mind just wanders. My wife Karen says that I have Attention Deficit Disorder. Of course, I try to play it off. I nod my head, try to interpret any visual cues (I’m a better seer), and say “Uh huh” a lot. But people can tell when you’re not listening. Thankfully, most of them don’t care and just go on talking anyway.
It has been my observation, generally speaking, that women are better listeners than men. (Perhaps that’s why I’ve always enjoyed the company of women.) Karen and her mother are both great listeners. I sometimes eavesdrop when they are on the phone together, and I marvel at the absorption and animation of their conversation. My most prevalent desire when engaged in a telephone exchange is the anxious desire to get off the phone. However, I don’t believe the listening gene is restricted to females—two of my favorite people to talk with are men. Sadly, one of them died and the other lives in upstate New York. (I already told you about that phone thing.)
I am in a book group with seven women. It is sometimes uncomfortable being the only man (I’ve tried to recruit others), but I wouldn’t leave it for the world. The simple pleasure of reading is even more enhanced when you know you are going to get to talk about it at a later date. Our group just had its ninth anniversary, so we’ve read over one hundred books now. Several of us in the group are better talkers than listeners, so the conversation frequently becomes loud and fragmented. But I think we are all learning that you come away with more by receiving wisdom than imparting it. I know that my own appreciation of the art of literature (and living) has increased a hundred fold by what I’ve learned from my fellow readers.
And so I wonder: is the gift of listening a natural thing or can it be developed? Sometimes I think I’m getting better at it—and sometimes I know I’m as self-absorbed as ever. Because that seems to be where the battle line is drawn; a willingness to listen is an expression of interest in the inner workings of someone else’s mind, and the desire to speak is a determination to trumpet the inner workings of your own. Of course, there has to be a balance—you can’t have one without the other. But many people seem to list heavily toward the verbal side. I once worked with a woman who could turn any topic of conversation back to herself in the blink of an eye. Example:
Me: Scientists are speculating that at one time eons ago there might have been actual life on Mars.
Her: Mars is my favorite candy bar.
No kidding. I used to start random conversations with her and time it. The longest she ever went was 27 seconds.
If I hadn’t already made one, that might have been my New Year’s Resolution: to become a better listener. I might not be successful, but it seems a worthy goal. I am reminded of one of my favorite proverbs: “Even a fool appears to be wise if he remains silent.” Enough said.
My mind just wanders. My wife Karen says that I have Attention Deficit Disorder.
I read this and smiled, remembering something I read over in Wil Wheaton’s journal. He has what’s known as “writers brain.” Your mind Does wander! It goes, as Lois MacMaster Bujold writes, to the Borders of Infinity! It parses and dances through the various realities that make up your imagination. And naturally, those places are far more fascinating than remembering to put the milk in the fridge and the cereal on top instead of the other way around. It’s far more interesting to watch the interaction of two of your characters in X situation than remember that you were going to the bank, not the dentist like your internal auto pilot is suggesting (and why it does that and how it got to THAT destination is utterly beyond me..).
thank you, scott. you actually made me feel good about not being a good listener. i would actually like to print out your response and hand it to people when i stop listening to them. unfortunately, i don’t think it will work.
I feel like listening has so much to do with one’s personality. I think that some people are definitely more about themselves and may even find other’s words irrelevant to them. But also it seems some people have a strong, innate sense of empathy that makes being a good listener come naturally to them. Throughout school I was told that listening was also a skill, however. I think this is true in the way that you can improve on listening but I almost feel like anything else, it can only be improved so far. Some I feel have a more natural talent for listening but relating to what you’ve said, I think some people don’t necessarily need to listen as well as others to gain wisdom. Everyone is different. I myself am a bad listener too. I know I can learn things better by either reading them, or in the case of concepts, coming up with examples and/or applications. I’d say listening is a great skill to have though, so improving it would never hinder you. By the way, I also share that anxiety you get when on the phone… I don’t know what about it does that. I think it’s because you just can’t see the person. Who knows.
haha, glen, you sound so much like me! my favorite part was “…i think some people don’t necessarily need to listen as well as others to gain wisdom.” which do you value more, knowledge or love? (of course, you realize this is the pot calling the kettle…)
I agree completely that a good listener is a true gem! I constantly work on being a better listener and hope it is not just a talent that comes naturally
your a hair stylist! i thought your job was to listen! but you are also alot like me. like you, i hope it is not just a talent that comes naturally.
“For those who are quiet, few say nothing.”
i still want the source of that beautiful quote.
Honestly, I can’t remember… but it is a quote so for the meantime ‑Anonymous