My wife and I, Puerto Vallarta, 2001
Karen and I had a fight on Friday. I have the common sense and the decorum not to use this blog as a sounding board (or soapbox) for the intricacies of our relationship, but it did get me thinking about marital discord. I am pleased and relieved that as we get older, our fights are fewer and farther between, and forgiveness comes easier for both of us. I do, however, have some convictions gleaned from previous scars, such as: 1) arguments are unavoidable if there is any attempt at an honest relationship; 2) the argument is usually a culmination, not a spontaneous combustion; 3) some things really are better left unsaid; and, 4) fights can be healthful as long as there is an underlying commitment to work through it.
In an earlier blog entry I said that children are God’s way of teaching us unconditional love. Marriage is His way of humbling us by demonstrating how consistently we fall short of that lofty goal. Every argument I’ve ever had with my wife (or anyone else, for that matter) has been motivated by my desire to make her see things (whatever the current “issue” is) my way. When my mind clicks into “Fight” mode, I abandon any attempt at empathy. My thoughts race away, building sandcastles out of my perceived injustices, her glaring blind spots, and our mutual standing on the ledge of disaster due to her actions (or inaction). I never thought about it, but in “Fight” mode what I’m really looking for is her repentance in dust and ashes. How absurd!
This particular disagreement was about money. I’m willing to bet that is a fairly common topic among marital gladiators, regardless of their economic status. Honestly, if we’re going to Family Feud this, I’d guess the other two most common instigators would be jealousy and the husband just acting like an asshole, but I’ll pass on them for this blog entry. The thing about money is that we get here without any and we’ll leave the same way. Yes, I realize that our financial status has a lot to do with how we’ll pass that precious time in between, but it is still useful to keep in mind that eternal perspective. Coming from a parsimonious background, I have to remind myself that all good things come from God. Besides, divorces are expensive.
But if arguments are inevitable, we had better learn how to navigate them. The Bible says “Be angry, but do not sin…” Once when I was a young man, I was washing a car with my girlfriend. I can’t even recall what she said or did, but it made me furious. I picked up the bucket of water and began whirling around, arms and bucket extended in the motion of a hammer thrower. I let go. That bucket, traveling through the air powered by centrifugal force, was a deadly weapon. By the grace of God, it did not hit her. Don’t be stupid—how many people do you think are in jail for something they did when they were pissed off? I was lucky. Argue, withdraw, cool off, come back together. The Bible also says “…do not let the sun go down on your anger.”
I haven’t mastered that one yet, but I’m working on it. On Saturday morning I got up early and put together some furniture that Karen had ordered. She came out a little later and said “Awwww.” I said “I wanted to make up.” She said “I’m sorry too.” We went out and had breakfast at our favorite bakery in New Braunfels (Naeglin’s). It was a good day.
i think one of the best parts about my relationship with my husband is both of our abilities to say “i’m sorry” and mean it and never bring it up again. Sometimes it takes 5 minutes to say i’m sorry and sometimes it takes an hour but both of us are good at saying it. It’s so important!
Great comments on marriage! Nice to reconnect with you, tell karen hi.
thanks, terri! i just discovered that i can respond to old posts on my blogs. thanks for reading. hope you are still checking me out! i’m putting lots of new stuff out there (read the blog “My Next Career”)
Martial discord just can’t be avoided. It is part of the territory. When you know someone that much — that intimately — you know which buttons to push. Also, you are much more incredulous when they don’t think the way you do. A stranger not thinking the way you do is no big deal. But your spouse? How can they dare not see your brilliant, enlightened point of view? We respect people who think the way we think. It makes us feel smart and validated. When the marital argument begins, we are most incredulous that this person who we love and made a “death do we part” commitment to has, in a round about way, called us stupid. They don’t agree and the dog fight begins. Most arguments are not worth the effort and battle scars. This is sometime we all learn as we age. So many things I wish I had known when I was younger! Most fights aren’t worth it! Agreeing to disagree is a good thing. Compromise is okay. All is not lost if we can’t hammer our position home until the “blind one” sees the “truth”. I have come to find that companionship, love, laughter, commitment, shared adventures and faith are more important than who is right. I’ve also learned to never dig up the past. It needs to stay where it is — in the past!
By the way, I think most marital arguments are about money, sex and kids or extended family issues. But they come to a head only after I’ve told you ten times to take out the trash. It is that “last straw” that will finally break the dam that has been keeping back all the stuff I’ve wanted to spew regarding your general lack of help around the house, the way you don’t back me up with the kids, the way you fail to romance and seduce me any longer, and the way you do that annoying habit of yours.
Marriage is work — and mostly work on yourself so you can accept your spouse and your differences. And when it is good, marriage is so frickin’ fabulous! Plus, you’ll always have someone you can count on to take you to the emergency room and stay with you! As we age, this becomes a huge plus!
laura — i totally agree. isn’t it funny how our perception of what is really “true love” changes as we grow older? love the last paragraph– it is work, but it is mostly work on yourself. i suspect that most of the people w/ lasting marriages get that. thanks for sharing.