“And the two shall become one flesh, so they are no longer two but one flesh.” (Mark 10:8)
Becoming one…
If my premise is correct, the implications are staggering. First of all, there can be no question about equality. If God sees us as one, there can’t be any better or worse that separates us. So all of our crazy critiques of one another are just babble. In order for us to become one in daily living, we have to be changed equally. This flies in the face of conventional wisdom, where we have the image of the long-suffering wife and the wayward husband (or vice versa). If your mind is settled that you are and will remain the aggrieved party in your marriage, I fear that your best direction is—out. I have observed spouses who want to go to marriage counseling so that the mate can realize what a bastard/bitch he/she is. Yeah, that probably will work.
The second implication is that we have been put together for a reason. Let’s face it, neither one of us entered the marriage as a work of art. Work in progress is the operative term. If the two become one, that means the work in progress has taken on a whole new dynamic. If the ultimate purpose of the work is for us to become Christ-like, i.e., one with God, that means the primary human relationship God is going to use to transform us is the person He sees us as one with. What a great plan!
The third implication follows logically: cleaving. “For this reason a man should leave his father and his mother and cleave unto his wife…” (Genesis 2:24) Your spouse has to be primary—the most important person in your life. The leaving father and mother is tricky enough—it really gets difficult when you add in children and relatives and friends and career. The significance of all those people is going to rise and fall as your life progresses. You have to remember that you are not one with any of them.
How does all this become more than idealistic blather? It never will without the grace of God. Fortunately, that is available. But I think the afore-mentioned equality is the key building block. One cannot be “more right” than the other. Her perception is just as important (but no more) than mine. If our marriage is a seesaw, the goal is to become maintain equilibrium—and the center of the balance is Christ. In healthy marriages, you strive to measure up to each other. If you have children, the greatest shared task in the marriage is parenting. Ideally, both mother and father accept an equal responsibility in seeing the family is moving in the right direction. That is an admirable goal. If all couples got near a 50/50 split, our divorce rate would disappear. But the path to 50/50 is 100% unconditional…total commitment leads to perfect equality—the magical ingredient is trust.
Which leads us back to Christ—we just don’t have it in us. To put someone else first? Our most basic instinct is to look out for ol’ number one. And yet, the Bible teaches us that the key to happiness is to put others before oneself. How do we reconcile this internal conflict? Thanks be to God through our Lord Jesus Christ.
I don’t mean to imply that Karen and I have achieved this state of equilibrium on the marital seesaw, staring at each other in perfect oneness. But I think we share this perspective (can’t say for sure…she hasn’t read this yet). I do know that the ups and downs are becoming less severe, and those harsh bumps where one end hits the ground have almost completely disappeared. The blessing of marriage is being confirmed in our lives—I pray the same for you.
Dallin — I turned to your writings today because the news is so .… I am so sad for the American people right now. So I decided to read Marital Balance again — I enjoy your writings — I liked the gentle perspective of unity in marriage and what it takes to get there! Today is Dave’s birthday (June 1 — and for one month he is only 1 year younger than me!) The running joke in our marriage has been: Me “ I’m not going to give you the 10 best years first” — Dave “ When are the 10 best years going to start?” — And my next response is “I never said they would be consecutive years!” Yup!
Because of your writing I will give Dave 10 good days in a row for his birthday! Keep writing and have you thought of putting these daily musings in a book like “Chicken Soup for the Soul” (obviously change the title!)
Continued good health to you and the family — please tell Karen hi
By the way, you and Karen are such a cute couple in that picture! All those years ago, so fresh and new! Now, a gentle harmony enjoying the fruits of your labors. ?
May I interject, though we are called to be “one”, God has admonished a husband shall love his wife as Christ loves the church. I feel a man is called to be the spiritual leader of his family (wife and kids). He should be the first ready for church, the first to offer prayers, the first to “serve” his family. A wife is admonished by God to respect her husband. Many women feel if they were loved like Christ loves the church, she would have no problem respecting him and letting him lead. However, neither part says anything about the other person “doing their part first”. If we each would respect and serve each other in love WITH Christ’s help and leadership, there were be very few divorces.]
I have always been struck by the fact that in a marriage every position is relative to the “other”. When trying to find harmony, balance, in marriage, one must integrate each other’s true feelings. This blows out of the water any position, “I am right, you are wrong and vice versa.” Love seems to be the only phenomena that can make this harmony work.
Your last paragraph especially reflects my experience as well. I know I have said this before, but a lot of fundamental things bear repeating. A great key for us has been praying together, which has only become deeper, more powerful and more rewarding in the last several years.
Your last paragraph especially reflects my experience as well. A great key for us has been praying together, which has only become deeper, more powerful and more rewarding in the last several years.