I think fear is evil’s most powerful weapon. Fear pits itself against some of the human spirit’s most benevolent impulses. Fear keeps us from becoming the kind of people we want to be. Fear paralyzes, love flows.
There are two types of fear: external and internal. I listed external first because it is the more publicized. Just watching the news this week, I felt the fear of sharks, tornadoes, Russians, buffalo (!), greedy companies, forest fires, psycho people who could be anyone, and, of course, Trump. That is where we focus our defense mechanisms to combat our fear—on the external stuff. I suspect the devil likes it that way. But I think the fear that we repress and ignore and disguise is the internal fear. That fear can spread within us like the roots of a tree, but at its most basic essence, it is the fear to be ourselves. There is a cure.
My biggest fear is letting go. I have a recurrent, unsettling fear of heights. The root of that must be that I am afraid I will let myself go and jump. I don’t want to jump, I don’t plan to jump. But I am afraid that on impulse I will let myself jump. I ‘m scared of what will happen if I just let go. Do you see how internal that fear is?
But what does it mean to let go? I want it to mean that I put my complete trust in God: for every event, for every circumstance, for every decision, for every relationship, for every conversation; for every action, for every reaction. God has promised me He is with me every single moment of my life. I don’t always (actually, not very often) feel His presence. So the bridge is faith—I can only realize His presence by believing He is here. The genius of His plan is that as we believe He becomes more real. Dear Lord, increase my faith.
The biggest fear of my teaching career: How would I react in a school shooting situation? Before I retired, I used to pray I would stand up and throw my stapler at the guy and not hide under my desk. You don’t know for sure how you will react. That is internal fear.
What is the source of my fear? That there is a being more powerful than I, bent on my destruction, who I will eventually succumb to. That I will become evil. That I will choose wrong vs. right. When you are totally corrupted, you are lost.
How does my fear affect me? By making me become less than I am meant to be. By encouraging me to settle. By keeping things on a superficial level intentionally. By thinking of the worst-case scenario first. By thinking more about myself than others. By hiding Jesus rather than proclaiming Him. By navigating life rather than embracing it. By figuring out how to just get by.
Wow, I’ve described a neurotic mess. Lost, but not hopeless. Actually, I am far more optimistic than that. Because when you come right down to it, there are only two choices: be brave or let your fear hide you.
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. (Joshua 1:9) The bravest thing we can do is act in the light of His presence. It is a subtle commitment—most of the time you don’t know if He’s there. But you believe that He is and you act accordingly. That is the soul of bravery.
What I love is that we get so many opportunities to exercise our bravery muscle throughout every ordinary day. Every choice we make subliminally makes a statement to the throne: “I am for You” or “I am for myself.” When we choose beyond ourselves, we are being brave–the cure I mentioned earlier.
And so I vow to be braver. I believe our character only really changes as we allow God to change it, not as we strive to become a different person. Consequently, I invite You, Lord Jesus, to examine my heart, to separate the wheat from the chaff, to change me as I need to be changed, and to make me the person You want me to be. As You continue Your lifelong open heart surgery, I will be brave.
Afterword: I am pretty sure (still checking it out) that if you get a handle on the internal fear, the external will become far less terrifying.
Reading this made me ask some of myself some of the questions you raised. Not a particularly pleasant excursion. Looking into myself and genuinely and openly asking , “What am I afraid of? What am I really afraid of?” feels like I know I’m about to have a molar pulled. I really don’t want to do this, don’t want to see, don’t want to know.
But knowing He is greater than all and whatever is revealed to me is not for punishment or ridicule and rejection, but for liberation and wholeness, helps the surrender. Still, though, not fun. Maybe it’s Jesus as loving, permanently healing dentist?
Speaking of letting go… I just downloaded a book a few weeks ago titled “Letting Go: The Pathway of Surrender” by David Hawkins, Ph.D. Haven’t looked at it. Not a Christian book, but it came highly recommended. I’ll give you an update down the road if there are helpful tools in it.
Thanks for post, Dallin, and for stirring up my thinking.
Jesus as root canal…i’ve been there (in fact, kind of going through that now.) Shaken but not stirred. Two steps I am learning: 1) believe in His goodness 2) give it to Him. And then i go back to the Count of Monte Cristo–wait and hope.
Loved your response, Eugene. Reminded me I am not alone (in my insecurities). I have to keep reminding myself He is in charge of my treatment. I just have to learn to pay attention (which is a process, not a revelation).
Hey Dallin, Loved your essay and think you are right on the money!! One of the nice things about AA is the concept of ‘rigorous honesty — we are so used to deceiving and shortchanging ourselves, aren’t we? The book that helped me along this line was Search for Significance — about our fear of failure, of rejection, of punishment, of never being able to change. When I learned to accept that saying “I screwed up” was an admission of humanity and humility and not defeat it changed a lot for me. Now I am a psychiatric nurse practitioner in Colorado Springs and so happy to share God’s love with others. Thank you for your remarkable journey and the wonderful impact you have had on doubtless number of lives!! Love to you both!! Kathy (Roush) Myatt
Thank you for your encouraging response. God has used so many different books to move me back to the right path…i’ve gotten to where I pray about what I am going to read. i loved your line “…so happy to share God’s love with others…” At this point in our lives, i truly believe that is what it is all about.
Thanks for your kind words about the essay. Karen and I are both fully retired and living in Frisco, TX, about 25 min. away from our youngest son, his wife, and 3 (of 6, total) wonderful granddaughters. From the contact I’ve had with a number of ex-NCF’ers, God has been extremely generous to all of us. I’m not sure I would use the phrase “mature in faith”. I do think I’ve become more aware of how worthy He is of all the attention we can give Him. Blessings on your AirBNB! Karen says hi back to you.
You definitely are wise in your analysis on fear vs courage! It’s a joy to hear that you’re mature in your faith and trusting our Father more than I remember hearing from you. It’s been quite a while since we were face to face, I’m now semi-retired from my career as a psychologist, and live about 20 miles west of Columbia on a small place (3 acres) in a quiet, tranquil place south of Boonville. We just started an Air B&B! Greet your wife for me. ?