Discord (marital and otherwise)
Sometimes it feels like a bear-trap snapping shut. You were just walking along, and the next thing you know it’s right in front of you. I’m not saying you can’t see it coming…you just choose not to. So when it hits you’re not ready. Which generally leads to more discord.
Of course, you is me. I’m trying to figure out this fearsome beast because I don’t like running into him. Can ruin a day—and my days are precious. Here’s how he appeared today (today being several months ago): Karen and Aunt Faith and I are discussing what to serve when we have five grand-daughters and my dear Bethany here for the weekend. Me: How about meatball subs on Jimmy John’s bread? Karen: No, we’re not having meatball subs. What are you thinking? Me (offended): If you think my suggestions are ridiculous, that hurts my feelings, and I’ll just stay out of the conversation. Aunt Faith: I thought it was ridiculous too. Me: Fine. That also hurts my feelings.” And I got up and started cleaning up the dishes, while they ate dessert (in silence). And discord roamed freely about our home.
A comment can spring the trap. It might be a weighted comment, it might be an innocuous comment, taken wrongly. There are two sides sending and receiving messages, and little margin for error in every transmission. That is why living in harmony is such a challenge.
I write this as the confession of a ridiculous man. My suggestion was stupid (meatball subs—can you imagine the mess, three of the five girls under the age of three?)! But my feelings are all about tone and nuance and perception. I would hate not to feel, but I should hate even more to have my behavior controlled by my feelings. The apostle Paul’s solution to being in a situation in which someone offends you: “…why not rather be wronged?” (1 Corinthians 6:7) Paul gets it. Absorb the pain rather than reflect it. There cannot be discord unless two people are at odds. Pride might call that abject surrender, but pride is a pretty unreliable ally when dealing with discord. I don’t mean give in, but rather don’t let your negative feelings take control of the situation. The other person may not respond similarly—that is rare. It does mean you will not make the situation worse. A start.
Discord is like the morning frost on the golf course. (They won’t let you play when there’s frost—it kils the grass.) You can’t will it away—you just have to let it melt. But like the sun and the breeze, you can help it along its way. A soft word, a kindness, a touch, an unsolicited gesture…the iciness of discord is nothing to the warmth of reconciliation.
As we get older, we should be able to avoid these pitfalls. We should be able to laugh instead of bristle, to roll our eyes instead of turn away. People talk about humility like it is something required in the midst of a throng of people adoring you. The greatest humility is learned in your most elemental relationships. Don’t leave the house to go find humility.
Good old Paul said, “Grace and mercy and peace be unto you…” He wasn’t hoping; he was announcing. Grace is the driving force—mercy and peace are the by-products. The cure for discord is grace. We should be willing to give what we receive so freely.
Meatball subs, YES!
I love your blog. Thank you for sharing ❤️
Awww, Dawn! Thank you so much. I can’t tell you how happy it makes me to know you read them.
Coach! Really glad you’re doing these. I’ve always enjoyed your writing
Thanks, Jake! That’s my favorite thing about Facebook–it helps you keep in touch with people you might otherwise lose contact with but you are always glad to hear from. btw, looks like your own life is going really well–i’m glad.
Very insightful Uncle Dal!
When I offend, or am offended, I try to remember, “It’s not what you say. It’s how you say it.” Inflection of tone, choice words used, body language.…they all make a difference in perception.
That said, after 9 years of being afraid to speak my mind and having to go on the defense immediately, at any slight miscommunication, I am just now relearning to not let emotion control my actions and reactions. Reactive abuse is so insidious and damaging.
Thanks for a great reminder of living in harmony through the grace of God! Love you!
thanks, candyce. i know you’ve been going through some tough times–and i know God wants to use it to make you stronger. btw, having Sunshine spend the night here was a blast!