artwork by Annalisa Barelli
Progress is a tricky one because my comprehension of the nature of progress is changing. In the past I thought of progress in terms of attainments, that is, in external measures—what have I accomplished? Now I see progress in terms of my ability to surrender. I used to ask What can I do for You, God? Now I want to know What can You do with me, God? Measuring my progress by goals, be it weight loss or bank account or fitness level or golf handicap or number of books read, is essentially an egocentric activity. Look at me. True progress is measured by a level of awareness. Here is my barometer: Love God and love your neighbor as yourself—vertical and horizontal. How well am I doing at living by those instructions moment by moment? To assess my progress seems kind of silly…like seeing how the earth is doing by looking at a rock. But I don’t want to dismiss the idea of progress. For the sake of introspection, I would say it goes well. I have far to go, but I am being moved.
The loose ends are more dangerous because more is visible. My loose ends are things I’m not satisfied with, or more positively, things I want to improve, like my body image, my financial stewardship, my relationships with my family (each one of them), how I spend my time (work and play), even my marriage. Shoring up the loose ends requires a change in attitude more than any regimen or vow or plan—I have to decompress and take the weight off my own shoulders. Take, for example, my body (please)—image is the key word here. How I see myself— if I try to control how others see me, I am lost. Healthy and fit are both better words than makeover. My finances: what do I covet? Money is not evil—it’s the love that gets you. The simpler I can keep my desires, the less I need. The less I need, the more I can give—according to the promise, that’s where the true joy lies. My time: I am definitely not ready for monkhood. I like sports and entertainment and sleep and just hanging out. I trust the Lord will continue to teach me how to enjoy those things with Him present. Ah, relationships: the horizontal part of my barometer. In my moment to moment life, my neighbor is not the guy across the street—it’s my wife, my daughter and two sons, their children, my brother and sisters, their families, Karen’s family, friends, and outward from there. Take one day and concentrate completely on loving your spouse as you love yourself—now that’s a real challenge!
Now the tough question: where am I with making resolutions? I am a sucker for resolutions—they reassure me that I am still trying. But I am losing faith in will-power—it is being swallowed up in grace. Trust changes me more than I can possibly change myself. I hope to take all my health, diet, exercise loose ends and surround them with My body is a temple for the Holy Spirit—a New Testament temple, not that stuffy Old Testament one. I want to notice my breathing more. I want to feed my mind from nutritious sources.
My number one would-be resolution goes back to my barometer. I want to love God with all my heart, mind, soul and strength. And I want to take advantage of all the opportunities He gives me. The Holy Spirit is trying to increase my awareness that love is active. I can be lazy—people are just supposed to know that I love them. It doesn’t work. So what do I resolve…to love more actively? That can sound spooky. How about turning the resolution into a request: Lord, teach me how to love.
Thanks for sharing these thoughts. Really speaks to me right now. Waiting on the Lord is not an easy place to reside. I’m learning, I hope, to be more merciful and compassionate toward myself, toward the many inadequacies and failures I see when I look under the hood. “He requires truth in the inmost being”. Honesty before God, if it’s truly possible at all, I think must come from trust. That always present assurance and re-assurance that we are loved. Really and truly loved. Right here right now.
Thanks again, brother.
I think that is an excellent message, Dallin, and one that really resonates with me. Well said!