Back in those days…
I sometimes wonder what my life would have been like had I bypassed those unshackled years? It seems likely I would have accomplished more, helped more—been a better citizen of the planet. But I got something from those years that I desperately needed. While I regret many actions, I don’t regret living through them. What did I get?
That’s when I developed a sense of self. You have to take responsibility for your life. You can’t fall back on family or background or status or any externals. My parents did a good job of teaching us that—I’m not sure how they did it. Even in and out of relationships, I knew I was still learning who I was. Of course, I knew nothing about love back then.
It’s not a cliché—experience is a wonderful teacher. If you have a Those Days period in your life, I bet it was adventurous. (I hitchhiked 50,000 miles in two years—I was having a contest with a fellow adventurer.) One of my favorite Bob Dylan lines: “When you ain’t got nothing’, you got nothin’ to lose.” Without strong attachments, we are more prone to experiment, to venture out, to take chances. That can go either way, but you learn from both directions.
When talking about Those Days, one of my own favorite lines is: “I learned ten times more doing two years on the road than I did during one year of college.” It was like a crash course in people. If you’re not pursuing your life goals, you’re probably pursuing fun or spiritual growth, and both of those involve people. And the road gave me diversity—you encounter all manner of walks of life. I learned that whatever I ended up doing in my life, it needed to involve interacting with people. It takes all kinds to make up a world—I don’t know if there’s a better way to learn that than on the randomness of the road. And then I got to go work in a mental hospital—it was like moving into the honors class.
When reminiscing, it’s hard to avoid the question of sin. If you go by commandments and laws, certainly I sinned more in that period. If you go by choosing what you want instead of what God wants, I did that long after I defected. Alas, I am still fighting that battle. Self-indulgence is a side effect of Those Days—but it’s not the lesson you learn.
I don’t want to glamorize Those Days either. If not for them, I would not have hurt a number of people who deserved better from me. Those Days might have taken a few years off my dad’s life. I would probably not have had to wait until I was 65 to retire. There are consequences for your actions.
Tiptoeing through these memories, I come around full circle. I’m the product of every single one of my experiences. No regrets or puffing up—just grateful that the hand of God has been upon me.
This is a poem I wrote about Those Days:
I left the university
to pursue my education
on the interstate.
I learned to wait
and be alone.
I began to understand the nature of man.
The gay guy in the Cadillac put his hand on my knee.
The drunk endangered my life.
The southern man barreled down the shoulder until I jumped.
The police chased me off the road.
And I never got a ride with a pretty girl.
But I remember the stars in the desert,
and the whoosh of the semis that staggered me on,
and the mystical messages etched on the signposts.
I could go anywhere
willing to wait.
This was a great read and awesome thread. Thank you!
Remembering a mystical message on the back of a signpost in SoCal “if you get dropped off here, you should just kill yourself.” I assume the writer made it out, as did we.
Haha, Roy! Were you with me on that trip! I remember that exact “mystical message” in Barstow, California…in fact, that’s what i was thinking of when I wrote the poem.
Speaking of THOSE days, it was fifty years ago next week when i hitchHiked into Columbia from LA on my way home from Vietnam, hung with you for a few days til Dave Kreitzer rolled into town, then he and I hitched the rest of the way back to Upper Darby together. ‘Twas an incredible feeling of freedom and happiness for me after a year Of rules and regs and fear.
So your “Those Days” were much wilder than mine. But reflecting on those moments that changed my life, they were more spread out over my lifetime rather than concentrated time. Good read Dallin.
I remember the mystical message on the back of a signpost in SoCal that said “If you get dropped off here, you should just kill yourself”. And yet, many of us survived.
I love this (and all your writings, Dallin. This is special. Thank you.